just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
