1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
