I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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