We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
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There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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