I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i need some magic done to my vagina
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
