His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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