dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
