The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
