ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
