if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
