Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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