if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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