Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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