did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
