she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
