Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
