I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
