mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
