I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize