i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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