i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do herpes really smell.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
