so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
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After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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