My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
