Soap is not a condiment
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
