Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
