Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
me + whiskey = a bad person
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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