Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
