All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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