you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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