fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
