I accidentally had phone sex last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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