You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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