I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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