also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
