I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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