were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
