atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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