How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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