I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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