I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
