Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
