Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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