Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
