hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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