No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
