dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
