So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
