God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize