his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
