Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
