Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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