awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
