living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
