Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
