No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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