It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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