We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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