I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
